Thoughts

Horcruxes and Hennessy (pt. 2): Rapper comparisons for Hermione, Snape & 8 more ‘Harry Potter’ characters

10 more characters, 10 more rappers that are, surprisingly, a lot like wizards. Welcome to part 2 of the series

And we’re back. If you haven’t read part one of this series (and I highly recommend you do, otherwise you’re—SPOILER ALERT—going to feel about like a Deathly Hallows reader who somehow missed the whole “Dumbledore dies” part in Half Blood Prince) here’s a quick explainer on what’s going on.

My blogging bud Jake Foote and I spend a lot of time talking about Harry Potter characters. We also spend a lot of time listening to hip-hop. Because of that, and because of the new Fantastic Beasts movie coming out last weekend, we decided to put together a series comparing 19 of our favorite wizards to 19 of our favorite rappers.

We covered the first nine in part one, and we’re doing the other half now. Caught up? Good. Then wands at the ready, because we’ve got some more transfiguration practice to do.

Neville Longbottom – Cardi B

Who else has experienced a rap glow up like Cardi B? She went from a reality TV star to being one of the most popular hip-hop artists out there. Only a rapper with true bars would be able to pull Gryffindor’s sword out of the Sorting Hat and slay Nagini (certainly Nicki Minaj in this case). Unlike Neville though, it seems that it’s actually Cardi’s husband Offset who has an affinity for Herbology.

Fred and George – ASAP Rocky and Tyler, The Creator

Dillon Thompson: Hip-hop doesn’t have its own iconic twins yet, but ASAP and Tyler are certainly the next best thing. The two troublemakers have been inseparable since their joint tour in 2015, and like the Weasley brothers, they’re at their zaniest when they’re together.

We might not have a WANGSAP version of the Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes joke shop, but we do have “POTATO SALAD,” and for now, that’s enough.

Hermione Granger – Talib Kweli

Jake Foote: The cerebral sidekick that doesn’t get enough credit, Kweli helped the ascension of Lord Pretty Flacko Sr., but seldom received the commercial success many industry giants thought he was worthy of. Jay-Z’s famous line about Kweli and the correlation between talent and record sales is almost as glowing an endorsement as Hermione receives from Hagrid in Chamber of Secrets.

Lord Voldemort – Dr. Dre

DT: Voldemort’s return took 14 years to pull off—Dre’s took 16. Respect to both of these guys’ talent, but between Compton being just alright and the Dark Lord losing half a dozen battles against a teenager, neither comeback went according to plan.

Severus Snape – Nas

JF: The Half-Blood Prince of New York may have seemed like a villainous swine during his beef with the beloved Jay-Z, but really everything he does is for the love of the game. Escobar initially positioned himself as a sneering obstacle to rap’s heir apparent, but in truth, he was preparing him for his rap apotheosis.

Dobby the House Elf – Kodak Black

DT: Like Dobby, Kodak Black seems to always be in the right place at the right time—whether he’s wanted there or not. The Florida rapper might sometimes sound like he’s performing his verses in the middle of a fluoride teeth cleaning, but he consistently turns up on A-plus instrumentals and all-star musical collaborations. Dobby’s unexpected and unassuming appearances—including his absolutely clutch performance at Malfoy Mansion—are a heroic, magical equivalent.

Bellatrix Lestrange – Nikki Minaj

JF: Nicki has been pretty villainous these days. If you follow her on Instagram, you know that she will do anything for her personal Dark Lord, money and chart numbers. She will stoop so low as to make songs with Tyga and 6ix9ine, which is somewhat comparable to making a baby with Voldemort as far as I’m concerned.

Harry Potter – Kendrick Lamar

DT: This isn’t an interesting pick, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. Harry and K Dot are protagonists in every sense of the word—talented, charismatic heroes with tough childhoods and triumphant formative years—and their position at the center of their perspective worlds couldn’t be more absolute. If rap has a chosen one, it’s Kendrick.

Argus Filch – Ja Rule

JF: This ornery OG would love to bring out the shackles and hang rap’s resident troublemaker, 50 Cent, from his ankles. As an act of pure pettiness, 50 bought 200 front row seats at a recent Ja Rule concert, which is certainly rap’s version of petrifying Mrs. Norris and hanging her from a torch bracket. 50 better tread lightly if he doesn’t want to end up pickling toads in the dungeon for all eternity.

Sirius Black – Gucci Mane

DT: The criminal justice system hasn’t been kind to either of these men, but they both managed to emerge from their prison sentences as triumphant, transformed heroes. In Black’s case, it was a short—but sweet—reunification with his grandson, the eventual clearing of his name and a much-needed beard trim.

Guwop also came out of prison with a new family (marrying Keyshia Ka’oir in 2017), and like Sirius, saw an animagus-level physical transformation when he finally got that ice cream cone face tattoo removed.

Photo: Carol Smith/Flickr

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